Being a failure, illustrated
My failures, one level at a time, and how I stopped serving my failures by observing them.
I used to see myself as a failure.
My old self saw me as a failure. Unknowingly. I normalized saying "sorry" to the point that it became the first or only thing I said, even to strangers. I would say "Sorry," for taking up space whenever I needed to wade through living things (including plants); "Sorry," for asking a question whenever I couldn't understand what was said; or "Sorry," for disrupting the silence in a room with my movement and sound. It was as if I was just so... sorry for myself and my existence that I existed to be sorry.
Looking back, I see now how my perception of not being good enough made me think I was a failure. I was a mistake. I didn't even know what perfect looked like because it is not real, but I made myself comparable to such a very vague and narrow human standard. I internalized and embodied my failures to the point that it was natural for me to be sorry about everything. I built myself to fail.
Now, I still see myself as a failure.
...but not as harshly as before. I still find myself saying sorry out of habit, but at least now I am more intentional about the words I speak (For context, in the year between then and now, I have made significant personal efforts towards positive change through spiritual awakening and the dissolution of ego).
Just recently, I observed how my self-perception can quickly reverse from positive to negative in a split second, reminding me of the thin line that exists between feeling like a success or failure. It was during the time I received another rejection letter after a resource-intensive job selection process that I thought went really well. I thought this time was different. I felt something good. I thought the long wait for the next thing was over and I could finally start a new life in this new skin. I thought that work had finally found me after all the savings I had used and almost depleted from being unemployed. But then I failed again. And suddenly, I couldn't tap into the new sense of self and confidence I had built up during my spiritual journey. At this point, I questioned my sanity and all the decisions I had made in life. Maybe I failed to see through my own hypocrisy and what I really need is medical attention, not some spiritual enlightenment. My failings—this time accompanied by past failures and shames I had already processed—spiraled.
Because I have now become accustomed to confronting my demons, I allow myself to spiral and express the thoughts that work against me. I squeeze out the good parts of these internal conversations and change my perception of things. I remind myself that progress does not happen quickly. In fact, it is best to zoom out by a year and see real progress. And what a difference a year makes! Last July 2023, I still had a job based in Asia. But I decided to leave it and finally go on the Camino pilgrimage I had been planning for the past six years. Since leaving my job, I walked 200+ kilometers to Santiago de Compostela, uprooted myself in Asia, and moved in with my partner in Europe, whom I also met last year. To manage all these changes, it was important that I quit my job, and the rest fell into place. I cannot always be winning because I am not a winner all the time. I am 99% failure and 1% success. Attempts are important before any guaranteed accomplishment.
I. Am. Failure.
At this point, I feel numb about failures to the extent that I am failing failures, owning Failure in the process. Is it because I owned it or I am it?
We should give more credit to our failures. Dark Matter (2024) and American Fiction (2023) are stories that remind us of the salvation that exists in Murphy's Law. Things had to happen in a certain way to achieve a defined moment of success. My existence has become the manifestation of the success of evolutionary changes that require learning from failures. The most successful of successes is achieving presence in this moment, like this, with you reading and being in this moment. Because it is the only moment guaranteed. Therefore, if you are still here, you have succeeded. Similarly, on my end, all things have aligned for me to consume this moment. Things had to happen in a particular way for everything else to fall into place. It's like sand moving to the rhythm of sound. And this is the success of a moment continuously beating and taking shape. From this point of view, I am grateful for both my successes and failures in life. They accompany who I am.
I observed failure to avoid serving it.
Once I collapsed into the framework of dualism, I then again applied the observer dimension to all things involving the one who made the reflections: ME. I surrendered everything to process everything, so that my mental models are decluttered and become simple to comprehend. In the process, I become Light that makes reflections. In this moment of clarity and calm, I feel like myself again.
Other notes
TLDR: I have examined four (4) items, namely: Failure (A), Success (B), Reflection (C), Observer (D). Four dimensions. This is where I usually end up whenever I make reflections. I am not sure why, but collapsing things into four (4) interconnected dimensions helped me process many things in life.
Last week it had been a privilege reading
’ triumph over envy (How I Tamed My Envy of Almost Everyone But Especially Elizabeth Gilbert by Kirsten Powers). What a vulnerable and courageous piece. I used her courage as inspiration to finalize this post and to talk more about my failures. Her post also taught me about the concept of Jung’s Golden Shadow, which I will try to observe especially when on Substack.
Most news content drills down on bad news, wrongs, or failures—things I decided I no longer need to hyper-focus on. What I need in life are uplifting stories that balance the narrative of successes and failures. I came across Good Good Good and I thought it was a really good website highlighting the good instead of bad. I would love to get more recommended sites similar to Good Good Good, particularly the ones that suggest greener and more sustainable alternatives.
Taken from a selection of Good News Quotes
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